Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
