so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
