why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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