Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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