I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
