During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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