Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
