i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
wanna go halves on a baby?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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