I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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