just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
