You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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