mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am midnight drunk by noon
No subtext here. People are naked.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
