true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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