I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
i think i just lost a toe
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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