he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
