We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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