No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
