Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
