i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
