so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
