I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize