if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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