shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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