he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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