White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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