He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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