I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
