I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
That was before I lit my hair on fire
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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