Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
