good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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