i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
