Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
