I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
