My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
