I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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