i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
