I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize