Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
