I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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