i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
