Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I need moral support for this bender
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
