Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
