Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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