I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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