So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize