soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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