I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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