I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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