I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
