dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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