It's like God shit irony all over that family
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
