Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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