omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Someone shit on the floor
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So many bounce houses so little time
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Randomize
