the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
