i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
