the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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