also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
