i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
