last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
